In recent years there has been an explosion in the Vancouver Wanker population. These invasive species have already displaced many formerly common species such as the Silver Maned Kitsilano Hippy. The loss of the wankers natural predators as well as other checks and balances have allowed them to expand far too widely and rapidly. So we are calling an open season on Wankers. Time to thin the herds.
The Wanker Population is very diverse and remains mostly unstudied. So to help with all those who are thinking of going on a Wank hunt this season or who are fighting off an infestation, I’m starting CongoBill’s Field Guide To North American Wankers. I hope others out there will want to help out and gather examples of different species of wanker, as well as to help classify and understand these baffling and annoying pests. Together we can contain this outbreak and make the Vancouver ecosystem healthy again.
A First Example
The Hot-Shit Rich Fuck, a subspecies of the Rich Fuck.
This wide ranging wanker is found all over North America and can be recognized by vapid conspicuous consumption, overly manicured appearance, excessive wealth hoarding, superior asshole attitude and the belief that all this makes them better then everybody else. A short video has been found of a lone male during the mating season, trying to lure in its most common mate, the Rich Bitch.
Note the overly trimmed stubble beard, the expensive suit, the large expensive car that this male is using to try and attract a mate. Often this is to compensate for his small penis size and lack of any discernible positive qualities. Yet when luring the Rich Bitch, it is only the former that she responds too and she either ignores or is blinded to his general shittiness.
Also notice the asshole attitude evident in his talk, of thinking he is some sort of hammer to beat down all who surround him. This aggressive and violent attitude is common among Hot-Shit Rich Fucks and the fact that they feel free to throw their wealth around in order to subdue others makes these among the more dangerous of the Wankers. Use caution when approaching.
The highest concentration of Hot Shit Rich Fucks is Down Town, especially Coal Harbour, Robson Street and Yaletown. Look wherever housing costs are highest and shopping the most expensive and considered most prestigious. They tend to remain in these areas as it is also where the most expensive restaurants are which is their prime feeding ground. Remaining huddled also allows them to ignore anything outside of their sphere of rich fuckery, such as endemic poverty and other ills brought on by their tendency to care only about themselves.
An infestation of Hot-Shit Rich Fucks is usually best dealt with collectively, using well balanced public policy to keep them from creating to great of a wealth imbalance (which is their prime habitat) as well sustained and consistent universal social pressure to keep their attitude in check.
If any one else has anything to add or corrections to make to this description please do. Also, if you find a new species of Wanker feel free to submit your own Field Guide Entry.
