Fuck Water!
We as a nation known in some circles as Canada face a dire threat. This threat, a threat from within, is more dire and threatening then any dire threat we have been direly threatened with before.
This is not the massing of highly trained Taliban troops around the Canadian mission in Kandahar. This is not the drowning of our economy in Tar Money nor the endless scandal’s and shady deals that glom to my government on a weekly basis. No, the direness of this threat is greater then all these combined.
Our enemy: Water. Its spread across this nation like a plague! It had Filled the Great Lakes! It runs wild through our rivers! It sneaks into our homes through secret pipes and dilutes our booze! You might think you can stop it by freezing it solid but as soon as you pour it into your daquari it goes right back to its old tricks.
Besides, icky stuff grows in it.
Most of this water, often called ‘fresh’ for inappropriate behaviour such as flooding New Brunswick and wetting women’s saris during dance routines; most of this water is in lakes, Canadian Lakes! I say its time we as True Canadians take back these Canadian Lakes FROM water.
It won’t be easy but your New Government of Canada has a plan. Already this New Canadian Government has put billions of public tax dollars into the tar sands project which is neutralizing massive amounts of water every hour of every day. The toxic load pounded into this water should keep it neutralized for hundreds, if not thousands of years.
To expand upon this course of action, we plan an anti-water surge. We have targeted 16 key lakes across the country, including rivers, headwaters and other sensitive targets. We have on standby an army of eager mining and extraction companies ready to pummel this water with tailings. These tailings should leech out enough cyanide, arsenic, lead, mercury and other toxins to neutralize the surrounding water forces and make Canadians safe from water being in Canadian Lakes.
We hope to change the worlds perception of Canadian Lakes, that we are soft on water, that we let it would let it ride rough shod over our values as True Canadians. With our actions, the New Government of Canada has insured that the world will no longer associate the words Canadian Lakes with things like clean pure water, or fish, or waterfowl, or life in general. We will have made Canadian Lakes safe from water for your children and your children’s children and your children’s children’s children.
This is our True Canadian Legacy.
Good Job!
